My PhD Journey

I am in the end of 4th semester.
I am progressing slower than expected....really really slow (nothing can describe it).....
I am worried but it doesn't stress me out, Insya Allah....
I am waaayyy behind my Gannt Chart....
Looking at the bright sides...I am learning new things....I can't even imagine....
Hopefully this will be my last year with UTM...GOT katanya....
I am fixing my focusing ability...I have difficulty to focus on my study which is not helpful at all....
I have to increase my knowledge on the topic.
I have to fix my ability to present my topics without reading or looking at the slides, that means everything have to be spontaneous.....which is difficult with English is my 2nd language...

PhD journey...many things must be covered....everything must be learn....within such a short time....

Please....embark on this journey...and you'll know that this is one of the sweetest pain in your life....


 

Hope

It's been a while or should I say....ages? since the last post. Every time I tried to write something, I only managed to do it halfway. I guess writing is just one of many talents that I don't have. To write a paragraph, it takes a week. To complete a hundred pages thesis, it took me almost a year. Whew!! Hope it won't take longer this time. I really want to complete my study within  the designated period this time...Insya Allah. What happened lately? Nothing much. I'm still a student. Yes, I'm still struggling. Struggling to have everything, but Allah knows best. Allah gives me everything that I needed the most. I may not get everything I always asked for, instead Allah gave all the things that I never asked. And I begin to learn...learn to accept things without questioning further...why I get this? why he get that? why my life is turning upside down? accepting without knowing the reason is difficult. Even though I know that Allah has planned everything, but sometimes my heart denied. This is when I learn not to blame my husband. This is when I learn accepting is difficult but when I did, things become easier. At the age of thirty-one, I'm starting to feel as if I am battling with time. It is late, I think...to feel that way. Some have start their battle at earlier age compared to me. Then I started to realize, time has been the most valuable gift that Allah blessed me with but it is me who made it less valued. Thus, I need to change....people change. Your life is changing when you're married. Your life is changing when you have children. Your life is changing during the time you are raising your children. Your life is changing when you get a new job and etc etc....We always need an occasion to make a change. Yes...I always wait for something good to happen before turning my life to another course. I have made up my mind, I will not wait anymore. I want to learn. I want to learn everything that I should have from the beginning. So friends who are reading...please pray for me. Let us make this Ramadhan a starting point...a starting point to increase our iman & knowledge...a starting point of becoming a good husband/wife, good parent, good child and most important, good slave to the Almighty, Allah swt. Insya Allah.

Perjalanan semalam

Dah lama x update blog ni, kan? Bukannya busy sangat pn, tapi takde idea...so kali ni, nk cuba2 la update ape2 cerita....

Kisahnya....Alhamdulillah...sekarang ni dah lega sikit pasal dah berjaya hantar correction tesis, cuma yang masih merisaukan tu, examiners nak baca balik correction tu. Hopefully, diorang dapat baca dengan tenang dan terima dengan hati yang terbuka. Saya cuba mengenang waktu viva saya dengan positif, sangat susah! Sebab viva yang saya lalui bukan lah seperti kawan2 yang lain. Orang lain, kalau amik master, viva baru sejam, paling teruk pun 2 jam. Saya punya viva, hampir 3 jam. Examiners saya mmg go through tesis saya page by page. Abis jer viva tu, saya terasa seolah-olah saya la manusia yg paling bodoh tapi ada hati nak amik masters. Dah la tu, lama pulak tu, PhD pun 3 tahun jer...saya, siap terlebih time.

After viva, walaupun dicabar oleh supervisor untuk siapkan correction dalam masa 1 bulan, minta maaf, saya tak mampu lakukannya. Pengalaman viva yang pertama, menghantui saya sehingga hampir 3 bulan lamanya. Bulan yang pertama, saya menangis tiap kali melihat tesis saya. Bulan kedua & ketiga, saya mulakan penulisan pembetulan untuk tesis saya, tapi saya berjalan macam siput lajunya. Selepas itu, barulah saya berjaya mengumpulkan semula semua keazaman & keyakinan saya yang hampir hilang. Akhirnya, in early of May, saya berjaya mengahantar correction saya yang x seberapa untuk semakan examiners.

Jadi, buat masa sekarang ni, kena doa banyak2. Minta2 semuanya berjalan lancar. X sabar rasanya nak konvo. Insya Allah.

Kata Ustaz Pahrol, "Jangan minta hidup yang mudah, sebaliknya minta lah hati yang tabah. Kerana dengan hati yang tabah, setiap ujian hidup akan menjadi mudah. Insya Allah."

My Mock Viva

Everything went well lately...I got my viva date, finally! huh! My mock viva? Not so well....I got to hear a lot of evil critiques (ha! ha! ha!) from the fellow lecturers who listened for my mock viva presentation just before the Raya Haji....my heart wasn't there, ok? and I didn't get enough time to prepare for the presentation....I was expecting the worst, so the critiques were some sort of entering through my right ear and leaving through the left ear....sorry...I don't take it to the heart....I got the notice about four the days before my presentation and they were expecting me to prepare for both thesis summary and presentation slides, which I prepared with half of my heart (less than half actually!)....I must admit! it was my fault, I should be readily prepared, I shouldn't have wait for the date to come and then getting ready for it....it is my work, it should already been at my fingertips....when they were asking questions, the answer should be popped out of my mouth instantly! there, my confidence level suddenly dropped....I went blank in front of them...nothing came out of my mouth smoothly....if that was my real viva, I will surely have to reviva....hope I will do well than this...well enough for me to continue further....I've already secured a place....I don't want anything to come before it! Insya Allah....

Please pray for me!
29 Nov, here I come!

Sami Yusuf - Mother - My Ummah

I just want to share a song with you, my dearest blog viewers....hopefully you'll love it as much as I do....

Blessed is your face
Blessed is your name
My beloved
Blessed is your smile
Which makes my soul want to fly
My beloved
All the nights
And all the times
That you cared for me
But i never realised it
And now it’s too late
Forgive me

Now i’m alone filled with so much shame
For all the years i caused you pain
If only i could sleep in your arms again
Mother i’m lost without you

You were the sun that brightened my day
Now who’s going to wipe my tears away
If only i knew what i know today
Mother i’m lost without you

Ummahu, ummahu, ya ummi
Wa shawqahu ila luqyaki ya ummi
Ummuka, ummuka, ummuka ummuka
Qawlu rasulika
Fi qalbi, fi hulumi
Anti ma’i ya ummi
Mother... mother... o my mother
How i long to see o mother
“your mother, your mother, your mother”
Is the saying of your prophet
In my heart, in my dreams
You are always with me mother

Ruhti wa taraktini
Ya nura ‘aynayya
Ya unsa layli
Ruhti wa taraktini
Man siwaki yahdhununi
Man siwaki yasturuni
Man siwaki yahrusuni
‘afwaki ummi
Samihini...
You went and left me
O light of my eyes
O comfort of my nights
You went and left me
Who, other than you, will embrace me?
Who, other than you, will cover me?
Who, other than you, will guard over me?
Your pardon mother, forgive me

Weight Loss Quest...again???

I'm on a new quest now!!! Instead of losing weight, I've been gaining weight...more than I've anticipated. Now, I am looking for a way to shred a few kilos (more than a few actually). So, the first step is to look back at my activities for the past few months. Okay! I admit. Less activities involving calories burning except that I've been eating more than I should. So, as a start, I'm trying to reduce my food intake. Strictly no junk food including 'kuih raya"...hehe...love 'kuih raya' so much to the extend that I can't stop it once I start eating. I also try to reduce high calories food especially nuggets, drummets, sausages and everything alike. I ate it a lot during Ramadhan....my husband likes that kind of food so much...he requested that on the days when the food are not to his liking....and I end up eating a lot of it....

I missed all those times I was studying in UiTM...I ate a lot but never gain weight except during semester break...I used to walk a lot, so as new semester began, I can always get back my ideal weight...I weighed around 50 to 52 kg but never exceed 55 kg....the way I am today, I doubt if I can get those weight again....No matter how hard it is, I want to keep trying...I want my old self...being overweight sometimes kills my confidence to meet people, my friends and relatives....therefore I must try hard to lose weight even if it takes a year to do so....the most important thing is not giving up...when there is a will, there is a way, Insya Allah....

Jakel vs Nagoya

I've never really like buying cloths at Jakel. The first time I set my foot inside, I was surprised. There was too many people inside looking and choosing variety fabrics. Looking at these people, I started suffocating and choosing a fabric has became almost impossible for me and my mom. As we (my mom & I) started walking around, a salesgirl started following us. I don't really mind if she was just following us around, but the she started pushing us on buying this and that. Being in that situation has suffocated me even more and in the end, we got out of the the store buying nothing. Last Saturday, I went to the store again, with my mom in law and this time in Shah Alam. Although there are less people here, I still can't bring myself to buy even a single fabric. The salespersons are still pushy as usual which I don't like. As a buyer, I need time to carefully think before purchasing something and with them pushing around, how can I make a choice? I know that it is their job to persuade customer into buying but sometimes it is annoying when they don't let us think. Purchasing something without thinking is definitely not an option.

On the next day, I went to Nagoya Textiles and for the record, with my husband, not my mother. Okey, I never go to any textile stores without my mother. Mama is my best shopping buddy even after I got married. Yes, I bought fabrics for hari raya last year with my mother instead of mrwan. Well, fabric shopping for the first time with mrwan was fun. Why? When asking for his opinion, which one is prettier, he will casually answer, just take both. True, why bother when I wasn't the who is paying (sbb saya adalah penganggur terhormat)....hahahaha....tapi saya tetap pilih satu....plus, he was kind enough to follow me around until I made up my mind. I really appreciate that.

Several reasons why I don't like shopping at Jakel:

1. The Prices - I can get at least two 4 metres fabrics at their prices
2. The Colours - the colour combination doesn't fit me
3. The Workers - they are a bit pushy because there are too many of them  and they need to grab whoever walks in front